Sheila Marie Sproule

It's my mother´s fault that I´m getting wrinkles. There, I´ve said it. Sorry, Mom, but for once I feel justified in blaming you for something.

You see, when I was a baby, you would - as you were advised to - lay me on my stomach to sleep. And there it began...

Here´s my theory. Being a stomach sleeper, I have become very aware of the pressure placed on my cheek, which appears to 'pudge' the flesh around my mouth and nose, creating an accordian effect. (Yes, I am looking in the mirror right now, pretending my hand is the pillow to see what goes on.) Hence the lines on my upper lip and the crescent-shaped wrinkles on either side of my chin. Is it a mere coincidence that my left side is more deeply wrinkled than my right? I don´t think so - I sleep predominantly on my left cheek, hanging off the side of the bed. (Apparently I am not a very balanced person.)

I´ve been lying wide-eyed at night contemplating my wrinkles. O.K., I´m not awake specifically to worry about fine lines - sleeplessness just happens to be another symptom of middle years.

I have tried to change my sleeping position - back, side, standing, sitting. No matter what, I end up on my stomach. Clearly I can´t fight this habit of a lifetime, but perhaps I can try to reduce the inevitable wear and tear that it is causing.

Relax the neck. Stretch out those facial muscles. Unclench the jaw. Think nice, calm thoughts. Well, maybe it will help. It can´t hurt.

'Mayday! Mayday! Tightening muscles in the jaw. Relax! Relax!'

Potions, lotions, mantras, tantrums - I´ll try them all. I realise that I´ll never look ten years younger again, but for my own self confidence, I want to know that I at least look the best I can for my 45 years.

Oh, and by the way, Mom, don´t feel bad. Today´s babies might be blaming their mothers for their flat, wrinkly bottoms in years to come!